Ask the Expert Series: Supporting your children’s mental health

With regards to the balancing of mental health and discipline, they don’t always have to be either one or the other. In fact, they can be done together! This of course depends on the definition of “discipline”. Punishments are not the only form of discipline, and punishments have been shown to not always be effective. Setting limits, and supporting your child through their disappointments (even with the limits you set) can be more effective to help your child learn better ways to get what they want, which can also help build resilience. Additionally, as a parent, you can also seek support from a professional to help you learn skills to more effectively connect and set limits with your child.

It can be very frustrating when your child has tantrums in public because it can make it hard for the family to go about freely. This is tricky. I can’t definitely say that your child is seeking attention, but seeking of attention is not the only reason children can struggle to regulate in public. I would strongly encourage you to seek a professional to provide an assessment to better understand his behaviour, to help your family better manage it.

Without referring to any specific age group, an observation of your child’s behaviour patterns could be good ways to help you see if your child is coping. Signs of a child who is coping well would usually be things like a child who’s meeting their developmental, emotional and learning milestones, have healthy social skills and demonstrate an ability to cope well with problems. If you’re located in Singapore, websites like the parent hub on the Health Promotion Board and Families for Life are good sources of information to help meet parenting needs.

It can be stressful to have a child screaming over seemingly minor things. It’s hard to say if your child is struggling with any mental illness, and if you notice this behaviour being drastically different from his peers, I would recommend an assessment to better understand his behaviour. Meanwhile, it can be a good idea to observe situations when he’s screaming to help you notice patterns that can help you understand the triggers of his distress. A professional can also help you better understand your observations.

It can be normal for a 5 year old to forget things at times, however if his difficulties are significantly more than same aged peers, it’ll be good to seek an assessment with a psychologist who works with preschoolers. Besides your observations, you could also gather more information about his challenges from teachers and/or other caregivers.

It can be hard to manage tantrums of older children because they are no longer little, yet not old enough to think through their behaviours rationally. Before dealing with a tantrum, a good first step would be to stay calm. While easy to say, this can be tricky because the behaviours may sometimes not make much sense to an adult! A good level of “calm” would be one where you are able to speak slowly to first connect with your child. You could start off with an observation of their behaviour, followed by a reflection of their emotion, and redirection of the behaviour or further clarification (e.g. I see you throwing your bag because you were angry that your friend pushed you. It is okay to be angry, but not okay to throw your bag. Can I find out more about what happened so we can figure out how to make things better?). You could use this as an opportunity to help your child problem solve through challenges, which can be useful skills for future situations.

Depending on your child’s age, the duration and type of activity, this could be normal, as young children may not have developed the skills needed to pay attention for long, or the activity could be too challenging. However, if you do notice that your child is having more difficulties than his/her peers in staying on task, and you are receiving feedback from teachers about your child’s behaviour, it might be helpful to seek an assessment from a professional.

You could seek help from a mental health professional if you’re concerned about your child’s mental health. If your child is in school, you can approach his/her Teachers for recommendations. If your child is not of school age, you can approach his/her doctor to express your concerns, and the doctor should be able to help refer your child to an appropriate professional.

Finding ways to connect with your child, reflecting their emotions, and setting appropriate limits are good ways to help build your child’s coping skills to manage difficult emotions.

Observations of your child’s behaviour, or through feedback from their Teachers could be a good ways to help you see if your child is coping. Signs of a child who is coping well would usually be things like a child who’s meeting their developmental, emotional and learning milestones, have healthy social skills and demonstrate an ability to cope with problems. An example of a child who’s coping well could be a 9 year old child who feels safe to approach his/her parent for help when he/she is having difficulties with a subject in school.