Confused

Question

Hi mummies. I just wanna share here and seek your opinions on this issue I have thats probably lingering around me for very long. I got married at the age of 15 and had a baby that is totally taken care of by my ex mil and I rarely get to see my baby..plus my ex mil is very violent and her words hurt so much each time she speaks to me...for 10 yrs I have barely seen my child as he stays over there with her so finally one day I divorced with my hub as we r facing issues. literally like when I wanna c my child, its always based on her schedule because is either she wanna bring him out or his family occasion or shes mad at me so she doesnt wan me to c him. Anyway, I managed to fight for my child and now I have the custody to him. But because of this issue I had w my ex mil, now that I remarried a yr ago to a very caring and loving hub, I feel that the fear still stays in me. I tried convincing myself that my mil now is a very nice person to us and shell never treat me like how my ex mil would. I even pray to God and went to temple to let my heart fully open up so that I can remove this fear but somehow it just seems to be only open halfway. My mil now is caring but because we stay at our own place, she is very emo, she will cry and complaint to my hub that she misses her son and try a lot of ways to ask him go back to c her. Im fine with it but at times I just find it annoying. She will purposely cook dishes that my hub loves to entice him n goes back. & Sometimes my hub will be very soft hearted n goes there to c her. Now she attempts to make us visit her once a month when my fil is on leave. I find it unacceptable becos who really has the time on wkends to visit once a mth when the time left during wkends are so little to do so many things at home or as a family. Of cos now is CB so she gets even more upset. But the point here is that because now that we have a baby, Im so scared for my baby to be close to my husbands family especially my mil. I can feel the fear is overwhelming me at times. Can someone pls share w me how can I deal w it or is anyone in the same situation as me? I really wish I can make myself feel better. Help.

Cherlyn · Accepted Answer

Hi dear, thank you for sharing. I’m just sharing my opinions here okay? First of all, your first marriage was when you were really young, which means you were made to be independent from a young age. You didn’t get to stay as a kid for as long as many people do, and to experience being loved and taken care of by your parents. On top of that, you became a mum, and spent your time and energy focusing on worrying about your baby. To make things harder, your ex-MIL traumatised you so much, and you even had to fight for freedom and custody of your baby after 10 years. Based on all these, all your fears, insecurities and worries are very real and valid. You’ve had a lot of wounds that are still raw and haven’t healed. Even if you’re in your mid-20s now and are an adult, it doesn’t mean everything automatically becomes alright. Don’t be harsh on yourself for how you’re feeling, and that you haven’t resolved the issues despite trying to seek answers and peace to end your fears. I’m happy for you that you’ve found a loving husband ❤️. In marriage, we do marry into our spouse’s families as well, and many people do struggle with some differences they have with the in laws. But I believe that doing our best to respect them is something we can do to show love to our spouse. I’ll be honest.. visiting the in laws once a month doesn’t sound like a lot to me, but I know exactly what it’s like to want to protect family time with just our little family. I try to do it a lot too. At the same time, I hope you’ll come to see that no one’s going to steal your husband and baby away from you anymore. The elders really do get lonely (especially with empty nest syndrome) and want to see their children and grandchildren because they care. So this is what I do... when it’s time to visit, I let go of my family members (husband and children) for a while and let them interact with my in laws wholeheartedly, and when it’s not time to visit, I protect that personal family time fiercely. Your husband is your MIL’s son after all. I’m sure he’d want to see her too.. just like you’d want to see your children next time even after they move out. If you struggle with the visitations so much emotionally, you can practise with video calls, perhaps? Slowly get used to letting your husband/baby interact with your in laws over video calls (but they’re still physically with you), and if you’re willing, also take some time to talk to and get to know your in laws better. Perhaps they want to show love and care to you too, if you’ll let them. This is what family is.. and then you may be happier visiting them once in a while. I know I miss my family too, even though I talk to them on whatsapp. I just prayed for you, to be able to find the peace that you really need, and no longer be held in fear because of your past. You are dearly loved and precious, okay? If you need someone to talk to, send me an email at [email protected]