I’m confused

Hi moms I may need help? I have an 18 months toddler and basically, I’ve been solo parenting all my toddler’s life bcos my husband was incapable and refuse to be capable. I’ve been cheated on when I was pregnant, fell into ppd and now just surviving my days with my toddler making sure I don’t die before my toddler. ANW! Life has been so difficult since I got married to him bcos my mom didn’t liked him and I got forced into marrying him but it has happened and I’m way past that. Except that I find myself dreaming about my previous ex and read up old convos just to make myself feel better. Technically, in my head that’s cheating. But it’s so weird that I can relive the entire happiness with my ex and feel like I’m myself back then. I don’t know if motherhood changed me but idk how to get over this especially since my ex has recently been engaged. And my husband doesn’t treat both my child and I like family. I know I’m alone but idk? I’m only alive bcos of my child. The child my husband never wanted. #pleasehelp #firsttimemom #respect_post #firstbaby