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Hi , thanks for paying attention and replying to my concerns as it has been quite sometime since the last post. As there is a deadline for terminating before the risk gets higher at certain week, we (or rather I take the decision more) decided to terminate the pregnancy. A few days after the termination, I was really sad and broke down infront of hubby for not showing more concern as he was acting even more calm than me after the procedure. Although sad, but I did not regret the termination but rather, I regret more that I should have done birth control earlier to prevent it. I understand that its important to be positive and hoping #2 will be neurotypical, etc. But the risk increased with #1 having it and it is a heart breaking journey full of uncertainties and require more support, but nevertheless we love him very much, but his diagnosis is something that we do not wish on anyone including our enemy. I have rule the pros and cons using my head instead heart because ultimately, I will be the one coping with them day in and out. For parents who have #1 being autistic and #2 being NT, chances are parents aren't aware their #1 have symptons or are already pregnant with their #2. Or you will realized usually the special needs child is the last child and ends at that. In one of the support groups I joined, a mum have suicidal thoughts. I grateful for all of you sharing your experience and I respect your advices and point of view. We have since then done temporary birth control as recommended by the doctor. As in why we didn't do anything these years, my #1 still latches on me and I have taken for granted that I do not get pregnant easily.
Thanks mummies for your helpful advices. Really appreciated it a lot! Yes we do know cases like the first one is SN while the second one isn't... and the other hand there are siblings who have SNs it's really draining. Yes the risk of having SN is really higher as the second one comes by so I had very little faith in becoming their only pillar of support because what I experienced with #1 really brings a lot of anxiety and worries. My hubby typically works late and wasn't hands on with hsework and my current kid. I dont really expect him to help a lot this time cos he is having a hard time at work. And we used to have some disagreement on spending too much on therapy/early intervention and stopped. Which is why I quit to become SAHM so that I could spend more time with them. We used to have some ad hoc help from MIL but she is mentally unwell now and heard that she complains about me, so it's also better not to ask her for help if possible. Of course, we will keep on thinking about what if we regret on termination... and what if #2 is also SN... even if it's neurotypical, also hoped that #2 be more understanding to #1 and don't feel burdened... right now our mind are still under consideration. Afterall is own labour of love, we do feel sad about it but we feel overwhelmed by current situation... the only person who is firm on keeping the child is actually our child. Despite me telling him I might not have enough time for him when baby comes, he said he is okay. Really dont know if he meant what he said but that moved me.
Just an update... my hubby initially doesn't want the pregnancy and we have made this mutual agreement together. But suddenly at night after work, he told me he confirm wants the baby because he finds that this is the morally right thing to do, and will try to help as much as he can. As much as I wanted to support his decisions and keep that faith, but deep inside I have no strength to carry on this pregnancy. He doesn't help out with our current child when he was younger, never did housework, works on weekends and PH... If he helps this time, I dont even know if its out of obligation and i scared he regret. Since he is the sole breadwinner, he will be under tremendous stress too. On my side I don't know if I can handle 2 of them at all even though he finds me independent all along. I have put a lot of energy and patience on our son until i don't have any desire for other kids. Now as I am hanging around outside, I don't even feel anything when I see babies. I really don't wish to disappoint my hubby and son but my inner thoughts is really pushing hard to terminate the pregnancy. I wish to find some positives but the negatives really outweight it... imagine myself with totally no help and my son needs so much attention, not independent enough. Sigh...
Well, no one knows r family struggles better than the 2 of u. I feel that u need to get 2 things worked out before continuing the pregnancy. Firstly, is this fetus a special needs child genetically? If it's base on guessing and u terminate it caz of "likely", I don't think it's fair to the fetus. Secondly, will ur husband be more active and hands-on or will u be able to get help like ur parents or parents in law? It will be tough so u will need help and support I would say to continue the pregnancy because this is a fetus, a baby, an individual with a soul and personality. If u guess this and doubt that and just like that smite out a life, then I think it is the ultimate unfair. I don't think a smaller attention or "burden" to look after ur sibling are reasons enough to cause a life If u are going to keep the baby, make sure the husband is on board all the way. I cannot think of any other REAL reasons that can outweigh the value of life itself. Having a sibling whether special needs or not bring a another whole experience altogether
If your hubby is really keen to keep the baby then u might want to reconsider again as that baby belongs to the both of u, u do not want him to blame u later in life. I had an abortion few years back because I already have 3 kids and had severe pregnancy symptoms..... Back then, my hubby also had the same thinking as your hubby, he even wanted to get a maid to help me out. But i dont really want to enagage a maid as they are not easy to handle and get along with. So i insist to abort the baby and my doctor think likewise since i already got 3 boys. Answerable to my in laws already. Now i really regret my decision as hubby is not keen to have any more kids. He said he is old but i know that is an excuse as he know abortion is actually not a big deal and its done and over in a few hours. But he can never understand my feeling going thru it and i am now having pre-menses headache monthly which i think is the side effect or punishment from God to me. Pls reconsider your decision.
I have a friend whose elder has special needs too and it took her quite long to have another one and he was ok. I put myself in your situation and I think I may opt for ending this pregnancy because with two the efforts and drain on parents will be a lot. Especially if you say your husband doesn't help out much, having another one may make matters worse and it won't be good for both kids to grow in a stressed relationship. Also after both you and your partner pass away, the burden is on the younger sibling to take care of the older one. I won't wanna give my child this kind of stress. Also like you say there is a risk of the second one having the same genetic problem. To me the cons outweigh the pros. To be responsible I think you and your husband need to take precautive measures in future so that you won't end up pregnant again
Its god gift. Who knows if your #2 is normal. I seen many with #1 being autistic and #2 being perfectly normal. Although mine is all normal, but i also have the thought of abortion when i realise i have #2 when #1 was only 6-7 months old. Because, my #1 seems to have his dad character which is very difficult to please. And my #1 have a genetic of OI which have to carefully monitor. I have also mention alot time to hubby that i want abort but my in law all told me not to. And now im in 6months of pregnancy. #1 scan was like the limb and hand are short and the thigh has bend in bone. But #2 scan, they told me is perfectly fine with his bone. So both pregnancy are different. Im thinking positive side that #2 had my genes than my husband's unlike #1 had my husband's genes.
Why not to decode only after you go for down syndrome test? My aunt first child has autism 4 years later she had 2nd and she gave birth even there's chances of genetic. With the technology that time there is no test to confirm. What gave her the courage was she believes this baby will be fine. And she need someone to look after the autism one if she's gone. And yes 2nd child was healthy. 9 years later she got pregnant again she gave birth too it was a healthy baby too. No one can predict, its not easy journey whole family will nees to help out. Most importantly is yourself.
I have friends whose elder child is special needs. but the 2nd child turns out normal. First of all, baby is a gift. Don't make this rash decision something you would regret. Secondly, have you check on the possibility and rate of #2 being a special needs child due to genetic? Yes now they may not need any playmates. Once they get older, they will need someone to confide to. Just like us adults, when things turns hard, we know we have family members we can count on. Silbings we can count on. Give it a proper thought mummy.
Children are a gift. However, I do understand your worry and constraints. Many of us have similar worries as well. Then again, it does not mean the 2nd child will also have special needs. In times like this you and hubby need to be stronger then ever to support each other. With that said, end of the day it's going to be you and hubby. Only you both will truly know your situation best. We are merely outsiders and everyone else can just talk, comment and advise. Please discuss and think through.
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