Hi I’ve experienced the same as you. My mother is a narcissist who only cares about herself. She was controlling, screams at, and hit my sister and I everyday while growing up. One day I realised that I couldn’t live under her control anymore, I was miserable and borderlining on depression. I think you realising this problem and asking for help is the first step to stepping out of her control, and you are really brave to do so! Many people don’t even know that they are passing down generational trauma. Reading self- help books/watch videos on overcoming narcissistic parents will help. Once you know and understand why they are like this, you will realise that the problem is them, not you. It will give you more confidence and control over charting your own life. Now you’re still in the passenger seat, but remember, you are the driver of your own life, so take back control of the steering wheel. I was like you too, terrified of passing down the same patterns to my children and behaving the way that my mother behaved. But what changed for me was when I took a hard look at myself and my mother, and it hit me that “I am not my mother”. We are essentially two different people, and I have the courage and power to be the best mother I can be to my children. And because you know what hurt you as a child, you are the best person to identify it when it happens. If you find yourself behaving like your mother, you’re the best person to catch yourself and then make amends. The worst thing about our mothers is that they NEVER think it’s their fault and they never make amends. But you can, and you will. I am so glad that I managed to overcome my fear of becoming like my mother, and mustered the courage to have my own child. My baby is now 9 months old and omg I love her to bits and nope, I am still not my mother. I hope you will find the courage to live your own life, because it’s not worth it being miserable because of your mother. Confide in your husband, ask for his help to minimise contact with your mother. Reducing contact with your mother’s controlling voice will give you time for yourself to heal and hear your own inner voice again. All the best!!
I didn't exactly have a happy childhood growing up back then. I too was questioning myself If i can ever be a good parent as I have low self-esteem. However, I decided to use it as a motivation to become a better person to my future child and to make amends to the child inside me of what I lacked during that period of growing up. Facing my inner demons is the only way to break out of my own prison. What I didn't like to be treated back then I would also not do the same to my child etc negative discipline. I'm now a mother of a 5yo girl and have a 2nd one due in a few months. Even as a mother, I'm not perfect either as I have my flaws as well but it's how you communicate your actions and thoughts with your child that matters. It's a neverending learning journey. Don't feel pressured by your mother to have one if you are not ready. Perhaps having a good talk with her about how you felt those years might untie the knot in your heart. She might not have realised that her way of bringing you up has such adverse effects.
I have experienced the same as you, luckily, it is just the way my mom express love (over protecting and controlling), I know for sure she loves me very much. I did have many arguments with her and share my expectation to her, but she was unable to fully understand. There is still a good point, she understand parts of it, and it is good enough for me. I decided to forgive my mom and forgive myself for hurting her in some way and move on. I try to talk to her that some of her actions/ words hurt me and how to do it better. It will not change immediately, but I will try. Sometimes I also cannot keep myself cool. I think it is a way for me to practice gentle parenting by being a gentle child to my mom. This practice helps me believe that I can be a good parent. And I believe I did, I have an adorable two year-old daughter now. I wish I can have one more soon.
this sounds so familiar! really resonates with me... it's up to each individual whether they choose to have children or not... there's no right or wrong... we have the right to live our lives on our own terms happily
follow,ur heart
Andrea