HUSBAND HATES OUR SON...

I'm feeling sad, confused, angry, and anxious all at once... My husband's attitude has changed drastically since I gave birth. He really hates our son... He always says that our child brings bad luck, and he doesn't want to take care of him. According to my husband, because of giving birth to our child, he almost lost me. He loves me very much... The childbirth process was really life and death. I was taken to the ICU because it was only discovered during delivery that I had a serious illness. I still remember hearing him crying out loud at the hospital. Thank God I survived, although it has affected me significantly, and I can't be like before... When our baby was brought to the room, my husband was silent. At first, he was always silent. But since we got home, it has gotten worse... He often yells when our baby cries, "Be quiet! If it weren't for you, my wife wouldn't be like this." Oh.. I don't know how many times we've had big fights. But in the end, he always cries and says he is very scared and traumatized by the thought of almost losing me. But does he have to hate our child... who doesn't understand anything and didn't ask to be born into this world :( I want to take him to a psychologist, honestly. But he's still so old-fashioned and says he's not crazy. I'm scared, ma'am, just to go to the shop or go out for a bit, I can't bear to see the baby being scolded... My husband also gets angry and hates my parents and even his own parents who used to say they wanted grandchildren quickly. "If we hadn't listened to them back then, none of this would have happened." It's like my husband is the one having baby blues, ma'am. I'm so confused about what to do, ma'am, please give me some advice :(

Vô danh

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Hi mama! I'm in the mental health industry and thought to share some things! It is obviously a very very challenging period of time not only for your husband but also you. You've just gone through traumatic birth yourself, and your husband was also there to witness the entire process. People react differently when they go through a traumatic experience, but a hallmark of trauma is avoidance because confronting the memory is very painful and difficult. Hence, on top of his own stigma / perceptions, it is very very normal that you are finding it difficult to convince him for mental health help. I imagine he would have felt a huge sense of helplessness since he wouldn't have been able to do anything while seeing you fight for your life, and this has created certain beliefs about the baby. It would also make it very difficult for him to bond with baby. What you will need to think about is how to create what we call a "buy in", or an angle to receive help that your husband will accept. And he is likely not going to accept any reason you say that is relating to him needing help or "for the baby" at this point in time as that is too abrasive / confrontational. You know him best so if you can think of an angle that he might accept better please go ahead!! This is what I would suggest with the above context that has been provided. I hear that he is an individual who prioritises you and cares about you a lot. Instead of directly asking him to seek help, you can acknowledge how difficult and possibly traumatic the birth experience is and how it is taking a toll on everyone in the family. Share that YOU would like to speak with someone so that you can be in a better mental space for baby and him, and ask if he can join you in this space. If he says yes, then there you go! If he doesn't, please still go ahead to book an appointment for yourself, and ask if he could accompany you to the appointment. On the day itself, if he is open to entering with you, great, if not, do still enter alone and bring this up with the therapist so they can process the experience with you, equip you with strategies to manage the situation and to move him into active change! In addition, I believe the session would also be helpful for your own mental health as I imagine it cannot be easy going through a life-or-death birth experience and still having to juggle with a newborn and supporting your husband. Lastly, TIMING to hold the conversation is importantly! Don't bring this up when he is hungry / tired or having other priorities or needs unfulfilled. Catch him for a chat when times are a bit more lighthearted / he is more regulated. You are a fighter and we're rooting for you!!

As a father myself, I would say it is not easy and I believe it is challenging for your hubby to seek professional help. It is, now, an additional stressor which you need to work on as you juggle with a newborn. Can I suggest: you bring yourself to go seek help with a nearby FAM@FSC (if you are based in Singapore), or a social services agency which can provide family counselling. Ask him to attend the session together with you and highlight the family challenges in the session. Share with him and the helping professionals that you are committed to work on the issues you are facing in the family, and you need your hubby's help to resolve the challenges together. In family sessions, the counsellor/psychologist or social worker will work it out step-by-step with your hubby and you, sometime could be individually and sometimes as a couple/family. Wishing your family well. p.s: Call 1800-222-0000 to ask for the nearest FAM@FSC to your place of residence, and seek for a referral if you feel this suggestion works.

Agree, he sounds like he needs professional intervention already. Having a child is a very big change for both mothers and fathers, and he must've been so so affected and horrified by how close he came to losing you. It's a good thing that he loves you so much, but something is clearly not quite right for him to be so angry with everyone. Please help him seek help. Ask all your family to persuade him as well, sounds like you've tried telling him and it's not working.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must have been traumatic for you as well. Would you consider getting professional advice on how to navigate this? Because it sounds too grave for people online to advise, and we do not know a lot of things that happened so far. If ever you feel like you or your baby are in any danger, please call the police or MSF immediately. 🩷

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oh dear... glad he treasures u greatly... hope both of u get thru this if not with familial advice, then professional help 🙏💕

I think he needs professional help to untie the knot in his heart. It’s unhealthy for baby’s development and wellbeing too.

Please have him get psychological help soon

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