I found out that I was pregnant on the anniversary of my wedding. My husband and I were elated. I didn’t have much pregnancy symptoms - no severe morning sickness, no headaches, no mood swings, no aches, no cramps etc. We even gave our baby a nickname. Nothing but good vibes. I’ve been careful with my health, even more so than before. I exercise >3 times a week for at least 45mins each. I religiously took my prenatal vitamins and supplements, and everything I could to ensure an optimum environment for our baby.
First prenatal visit, the doctor did a vaginal scan and there it was: measuring approx 5 weeks and 6 days with obvious flickering heart beat. We were so excited. We were told to go back three weeks later for another routine scan.
Two days later, I saw brown discharge on my pantyliner. I had no symptoms prior, no cramps etc. My husband rushed me down to ED in the wee hours and the doctor did another scan. There. The flickering heartbeat was still there. I was told it was a threatened miscarriage, and I was given two weeks worth of progesterone to further stabilise the foetus. No more coloured discharge after that. I thought all’s well.
Come three weeks later to the second prenatal visit, the doctor said it should be big enough to do an abdominal scan. There it was, measuring at 8 weeks 6 days…but the doctor could not detect its heartbeat. I could not see any flickering heartbeat either. She advised us to do a more detailed scan with a radiologist. We went immediately. The radiologist was quick and did not say anything. But I saw her typed “NO FH” clearly across the screen. At that moment, I was crestfallen.
When we went back to see the doctor once again, she had confirmed that I just had a missed miscarriage. Basically, our baby’s heart stopped beating on the same day of the scan. It had died inside of me without me knowing, and I was still walking around with a huge grin on my face earlier.. I never thought I would experience miscarriage..let alone a missed miscarriage.. We were told to wait for a week or so for the body to naturally expel the foetus out.
8 weeks and 6 days… just one day more before our baby would medically “officially” be termed a foetus rather than an embryo..but no..it didn’t make it. I couldn’t help but felt lousy about myself - what a failure I was. I did prepare my body for months before trying to conceive and this was the result? I like to think I’m a “glass is half full person”; I’m aware up to 20% pregnancies end up in miscarriages but inversely, 80% made it!..but not mine.. Walking out of the clinic room and looking at the faces (and tummies) of other expectant mothers made me felt as if I was doing the Walk of Shame.
Today, I went back for a follow-up to see if I’ve naturally miscarried. Nope, my stubborn body is just not ready to let my baby go. Hoping for a miracle, the doctor was kind enough to do another vaginal scan for me in case it was just because an abdominal scan wasn’t able to pick up the heartbeat. But the scan showed that our baby had stopped developing since that day..and when she turned on the sound to listen to for the baby’s heartbeat, it was flatlined.. just silent white noise.. all my last hope for a miracle baby vanished at that moment..
I know it’s just pregnancy hormones in play, but I hate it knowing my baby died but I still feel pregnant. I still have all the pregnancy cravings and still feel peckish and hungry when I should be feeling sad and loss of appetite over the grief instead..
I am scheduled for surgery to clear the womb next week, and in the meantime give me and husband some time to properly mourn over our loss. To all mamas out there and expecting mommas, I envy you. Please stay healthy. May I one day join the club once again..
#miscarriage