I’m also at 4 months postpartum and I noticed I do start to get easily triggered with my husband and we argue more - when he naps after he comes back from work, when he plan outings with his friends on his off days, when he uses phone instead of offering to help take over baby’s care. I realised I’m more sensitive and notices all his “wrongs” more because I am overstimulated and burnt out. Actually he did play with our baby, he did plan family outings as well, he did ask me how was my day at home. Just that I magnify his “wrongs” and forget about the things that he did.
We had many nights of talks before things start to get better. First, I told him how I felt unloved and under appreciated, that I fear our relationship will change. Then I told him how I feel overstimulated and burnt out, and acknowledged that I am overly magnifying the things he do that triggers me. He also shared his feelings of when I expect him to do certain things but he felt that he always doesn’t meet my expectations. We communicated and realised we both felt under appreciated and unloved. Oh yes, we talked while holding hands, it really helped bring us closer and allow us to talk without pride.
Second, I think husbands are mostly woodblocks. They really can’t read our minds and need to be told what to do. I told him what I want him to do more as a father and what I wish we can do more as a couple. He agreed and he has been following through. When he does these things, then I will acknowledge and appreciate him for trying. He feels loved from this too and it encourages him to keep doing it.
Third, we hired a helper. It helped so much when we don’t have to worry about housework and cooking. We just have to focus on spending time as a family, caring for our baby and with the extra time, spending time as a couple again.
Fourth, know that you are not alone and it’s normal to feel heartbroken that your dream baby is here but your marriage seems to be changing. Things will get better if you both genuinely want to work things out in your marriage. It takes intentionality and work to love each other again. It’s normal that marriage will change with kids but think of it as a season and challenge that will grow you both even deeper and stronger in your marriage.
Jiayou! I hope that things get better for you both 🙆🏻♀️
Anonymous