Pain of losing a child

I just lost my child yesterday, a complete miscarriage in just one snap. It's not just the pain of miscarriage but the pain that I lost the opportunity to see him, to hug him, to hear him say his first word, see him take his first step, get him to his first school, bond with him, see him grow, provide him all the things and love and care he needed. It's not the "if only" that is painful it is the "what if, what could or what would" that is absolutely painful. It's unbearable, no mother deserves to lose a child she had so much hoped for. People kept saying atleast I have an angel if only they knew that my little one would still be angel even if he is alive and that hits me so hard. I told him we can make it together, it's just him and me and we would still have a blast and happy life, but my baby left me and silently slipped from my grip. We could have been the best buddies. I feel so sore, numb, and dead.