Devil mummy

I feel like I’m a devil mummy. I start to hate my first born now and then. I felt that I don’t really love her. I know I’m responsible in guiding her and teaching but despite numerous reminder not to teach her sibling to do unnecessary stuff and behave like a monkey in the public she just take it to the deaf ears. At time I really wants to love her more but all she does is cry and cry. Things she lost out to her sibling she starts to cry and she cry literally everyday! I felt so annoyed whenever she cries. When told not to play with her sibling she just refused to listen and insist playing when ended up losing she cry again. In public when told her not to do so yet she literally just do it to show she is the boss. And today I can’t take it anymore that I actually slapped both of them in public. I feel so bad and I’m really a bad mom. In their eyes I’m like a devil Mummy. I don’t know what to do with them anymore nor teach them Cos no matter how I teach they just won’t listen. What should I do? And it not that I don’t spend time with them. I made the effort to bring them out on weekly activities despite without their daddy. But seems like their behaviour is just like such a way. I feel like I’m on the mist of breaking down and I starting to hate her for being so ignorant.