It's almost a year now. I don't know if I have a post partum depression or it's just me? It's just my attitude that changed a lot since I gave birth. Iniisip ko, mag-iisang taon na kong wala sa mood madalas. Ang bilis ko maiyak na akala mo ako na ang pinakadown na tao sa mundo, mainitin ang ulo ko at naiinis kahit sa konting ingay, nakapikit ako para matulog pero hindi ako makapagpahinga ng maayos, di ako makatulog talaga.
I still smile, but those smiles most of the time are just to conceal what I really feel inside. Has it become my attitude? Yan yung lagi kong tanong sa sarili ko. Mag-iisang taon na din kasi na tila galit ako sa mundo. Baka ugali ko na nga? I really don't believe din kasi sa post partum depression. Like, for me it is just a state of mind. Na baka gawa-gawa lang, nag-iinarte lang ako ganern!
But I feel lost. I feel that I am such a failure. I'm the worst wife, the worst mother, the worst person existing. I began to question my existence. Why is this loser living her life like this? Why am I here? Why am I being like this? Why am I crying? Why am I irate everytime? Why do I hate noise? Why do I hate people surrounding me, talking to me?
I feel like my feelings and thoughts are invalid. That I don't have any rights to feel like this. That yeah, I'm being overly sensitive, maarte rather. I can't seek doctor's advice. Why would I? It's a waste of money and of course I don't really think that I have a depression. Naging sobrang bugnutin na lang ata talaga ako?
I feel sad, irate and confused all at once. I don't know what to do anymore.