Oh mama, sending you so much love, a few of us in my mum circle have been through really scary first births, so please know you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. The thing that helped some of them most was speaking to a counsellor or therapist before the birth, not after, because working through the fear early made them feel so much more in control going in. One of my mum friends also said that being really open with her gynae and delivery team about her first experience made a big difference, the doctors adjusted the birth plan and kept her much more informed every step of the way, which took away a lot of that helpless feeling. Some mums also found that doing a proper birth plan together with their ob-gyn, including pain relief options mapped out in advance, helped them feel less at the mercy of whatever happens on the day. You have already been through the hardest version of this, and going in this time with more preparation and support around you is genuinely different, do please also check all of this with your own doctor or specialist so they can tailor the plan specifically to your history and what happened with your fits.