PREGNANCY ANXIETIES

Disclaimer: I'm not asking for help/advise, this is just a form of rant. I just had to write it because I have severe difficulties reaching out to my friends and family about this matter. If you're in a similar situation feel free to comment about it. Is your brain torturing you but you can no longer hurt yourself because you're pregnant? Here's something you can try, list down your worries in an outline... I. Anxieties about my job A. I love my job, I've recently been promoted as manager - I've only been a manager for over 2 months but it's still way longer than the time I found out I am pregnant. This is something I worked really hard for and it feels scary that I may have to choose between my career or my baby. B. My partner does not have a job - taking care of sick grandma - I've always said that I don't need a man to sustain me because I'm capable of earning my own salary. Now that we're having a baby, reality is just having the time of his life slapping me. It was nice when my motivation is earning more money to try being financially stable, but now... It's so f*cking unnerving, waking up in the middle of the night to go to work, thinking you NEED this to survive and... C. Job = severe stress + lack of sleep and energy - I am tired ALL THE TIME. D. I feel overwhelmed at work when I lack the energy to finish tasks - There's so much pressure being one of the handful female leaders in our company and now that I'm pregnant, it's ten times harder to prove myself as an effective manager because I always feel like a failure. II. Anxieties about my partner A. I'm the only one always working on documents and other stuff - It's not like the stress and fatigue from working all night is enough for me, when I get off work I have to process a sh*tload of documents to prepare myself and my partner for bringing life into this nightmare of a world. And who's there to help me? No one. I can't even get him to get up unless he's had 10 hours of sleep. It would have been very helpful, and healthy for the baby too, if he was the one who's pregnant. B. I'm the only one making an effort to pursue a wedding - Since I'm the only one with a job, I am 99% certain that I would have to buy my own ring and our wedding rings. I've completely given up on my dream of having a cute little garden wedding, all I'm asking for is a city hall wedding. But even with the bars set this low, I'm still the only one doing research and actually working on it and trying to get us married. Sometimes because it feels like he does not care at all, I feel like giving up on this too. C. His family does not even know about my pregnancy - Yup. And we're currently living with his family too. Imagine that. D. Sometimes I don't feel like he's ready to be a father - I know it's wrong to test your partner but some situations just call for it. When you hear stories about pregnant couples, there's only one theme. What stupid craving did SHE have and what lengths did HE go through to satisfy it. The other night I asked him for a donut at 12 midnight and I ended up just crying myself to sleep. As I'm writing this, it is now 8 AM. I did not have dinner last night because I went to sleep at 5 PM. I woke up at 3 AM telling him I'm hungry, but you know the drill, if it hasn't been 10 hrs, he hasn't slept. I have been starving for more than 5 hours now. III. Anxieties about myself A. Lots of studies show psychological disorders are genetic - what if my baby has MDD - Ahh yes. From the time I was diagnosed I was completely opposed to the idea of giving birth to another version of me. I waited and it only took 2 weeks for someone to tell me (in a joke) that I should have used a condom. It's funny cause you anticipate that you will hear that because you say it in your head every day, but very few people would say it to your face. B. I worry 90% of the time that the fetus will die because of how much I exhaust myself - If it was up to me I'd like to visit the doctor 3 times a week, but I only have check ups once a month so I'm in hell for 29 days every month. So I bought a fetal doppler. Finally something I managed to solve. As long as I can hear my baby's heartbeat every week, I think I can make it. C. The remaining 10% I worry that the fetus will die because I'm clueless about pregnancy - First time pregnancy is so fucking scary. But it's even more terrifying because I have zero guidance from an actual woman because I am living with my boyfriend. And his family doesn't know about my pregnancy so, shush... F*cking Google is the only thing I have to get through every single day. D. I am terrified of labor - I am so scared of giving birth and I'm only able to go through the day without passing out because I'm compartmentalizing it so hard. Whenever people bring up going through labor, I slowly die inside, all the while putting on the best poker face I can and nod interestingly. I'm so in denial until the due date comes. ... didn't work. I feel so much worse now.